Festival Season is now upon us and with Glastonbury coming to a close (Did you SEE that flag of Kim K sucking off Ray J during Kanye’s set? Def provided the lolz) I thought I’d do a piece on people you are guaranteed to come across at a festival.

1. The bitch who’s just broken up with her boyfriend 8 days ago and wants to portay themselves as ‘spontaneous’ and ‘free’

James had been cheating on her for 3 weeks with that slag from KFC so she’s better off out of it, honestly, she is or at least that’s what she’s been telling everyone every 15 minutes.  Heard shouting ‘YOLO’ quite a bit. That’s until Coldplay start playing Fix You and she turns into an emotionally unstable mess, uncontrollably crying curled up in a ball in a portaloo in that stained Minnie Mouse onesie that’s definitely seen better days.  Then gets home and posts several statuses on Facebook about how ‘amazing’ and ‘mental’ her time at Glastonbury was, attempting to make her ex who doesn’t care less jealous.

2. The one season wonder

They’ve done one season in Magaluf and they’re willing to tell anyone and everyone who’ll listen.  Usually identified wearing a vintage Adidas or Ellesse vest, something like your mum would have wore in the 80’s, Nike Airs or those ugly slip on shoes, fake Ray-bans and ‘short shorts’ along with a colourful bumbag.  They’ll be seen shuffling through the field thinking everyones’ appreciating their amazing dance moves and trying to tell the story of how their dot-to-dot like sleeve has a meaning instead of admitting they got it cause everyone else in the squad had one.

3. The bitch with the baby

I couldn’t think of somewhere more suitable for a baby than a drug and alcohol fuelled party in an overcrowded field.  Not.  You should have got a sitter and left your whaling baby at home.  Now take your bulky as fuck pram and go fuck yourself with it.

4. The drunk girl who really doesn’t give a fuck

You’ve dragged her out of the puddle of mud she was previously drunkenly drowning in while sobbing and offered her a drink of your £5 bottle of tap water yet she still insists she’s ‘fucking fine’ and ‘doesn’t need your help’.  Her morals went out the window about 7 beers ago and even her friends can’t reason with her.  Nothing can be done about this one, just let karma deal with it.  Preferably being hit by a violent mosher or a kick to the head from a crowd surfer.  Either way she’s gonna have such a sore head the next day.

5. The level 10 clinger

You just wanted to find a hot random to snog the face off for a few songs, it’s a day later and he still hasn’t left your side.  This guy is definitely not your soul mate but he’s also definitely not going to leave you alone anytime soon.  Pretend your friend needs you, run and just lose him.

6. The leavers

They’ve just finished the hardest exams they’ll ever have to do in their lives so they’ve come to a muddy field to take every type of space cake, cosmic dust and alcoholic beverage readily available to them.  Usually seen looking like some shit boyband, with all the same outfit ‘on point’.  One of them will wear a straw hat and another will have passed out before any bands have even started because their idea of Apple Sourz for breakfast along with a case of beer before they’d even left the tent was not the best idea they’ve ever had.

7. The freelance pharmacist

This is the guy who sold the space cakes and cosmic dust to the boys above.  Just wanting to make a pretty penny at the expense of the dignity of fellow festival go-ers.

You’ll be sleep deprived due to the animalistic noises coming from the tents around you and you’ll probably come away with a 5 day migraine but all in all festivals are one of the best things you can attend.  You will meet people who will put you off going to another festival for the rest of your life…and if you don’t, you probably are one of these people.